I am currently in a bit of a crisis mode. Just a teeny one.
You see... for the first time in my entire career (and as a student), I will be working part time, not by choice. Today was my first day of working parttime.
Although I knew this was coming (and there are appropriate circumstances in this situation where a reduction was expected), logistically and financially I will admit it's a little bit frightening. Andrew is still in university, paying tuition and working as much as he humanly can to help out. Nevertheless, a 50% reduction in my pay will have a huge impact in our ability to live in the city.
I know we'll make it work (we have budgets for that)... but the journey to today has been long. We've had to accept that our down payment for our first home savings may have to go towards keeping afloat over the next few months. I have to consider opening a private practice for the first time. And tonight I had to accept that I may have to apply for other jobs not in my ideal population.
When I think back to my time straight out of graduate school applying for jobs, I was fearless. Of course, I wasn't tied to any one place and was pretty darn confident in the awesomeness of my skills and professional ability. Oh, that confidence is still there (I do love my job), but now I have the added complication of assuring my place as 'francophone'.
I'm finding it surprising how our stories about who we are may get stuck, reloop in our heads and struggle to evolve. It's difficult to let go of old hurts, of how we used to see ourselves... and to accept who we are in this moment while allowing space for who we could be. I really want there to be space for who I could be.
Je suis une acadienne, je pense en acadien, j'écris en français et je vois le monde différemment qu'une francophone du Québec ou de la France. Ma culture acadienne me définie et m'enrichie.
I'm also bilingual. I think in English, I write in English and having both English and French as part of my identity allows an even richer and more colourful view of how my world works.
Right now I'm scared about failing as a francophone, as a homeowner, as a wife, as a potential mother to be, as a yogini, as an environmentalist.
But without fear, how do we advance past complacency?
Change is scary, and this fear must be the result of change and uncertainty. Out of this will come growth... which in the end will make me a better, stronger person. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.