Monday, July 30, 2012

The Courage of Choosing NOT to have Babies

Choice.

Our lives are all about choosing the next step. Whether we buy into 'planned destiny' or not- as a society we still strive for the ability to choose.

The 'Green' movement is based largely on making consumer choices (or opting out of consumer choices). As sad as it may sound, no one truly believes the government has a lot of control in the matter and we've all 'bought in' on the belief that since money makes the world go 'round, how we *choose* to spend it (or not) will make a difference.

The current North American Yoga Culture is based on choice. We choose what we wear, what mat we practice on, and what style of yoga we practice.

We're judged on both counts. Greenies want to make the BEST choices (and there are always reasons why one is better than another) and yogis want to convert other yogis to the BEST yoga style (in one breath arguing why one style really DOES answer all woes and ending with the sad attempt at false inclusivity of 'but _____ style isn't for everyone'...wtf? you don't believe that! you just spent 5 paragraphs arguing if applied properly, or committed to appropriately, implying that all failure is the fault of the practitioner and NOT the practice, it was the answer to world peace!! Bah!). 

As a feminist, I feel strongly that I should have a choice in how I live my life as a person. I don't want to feel that someone else is making a decision on my worth or identity based on the fact of my genital parts.

I have a friend who chooses not to have children. I've witnessed the 'just give it a few years, you'll see' remarks (honestly, I should have given him a little kick in the shins for that one... but I punked out for social etiquette... and we were at a birthday party...).

Her decision is a great environmental decision, no matter how you slice it. The reality is that babies pollute. Instead of made to feel awesome (as she should) by her choice, she's judged for making a decision that is best for HER self and her body.

As if she were born to make babies. As if her uterus defines her entire point of existing.

I'm sorry, I really don't want to be defined by a piece of my anatomy. There is nothing abnormal about deciding not to make children. I know hundreds of amazing parents, but I also have seen first hand how sensitive children are to parental input.

Honestly, I admire her courage and self-awareness.

She has the self-awareness to know that children are not for her. That takes a huge dose of courage to stand up to social pressure and to make a decision that is best for HER and her partner. Instead of judgement, I am in awe of her Strength. 

Instead of passing judgement let's celebrate how we can make informed choices.

Let's recognize that not all choices are circles. Some are octagons. 
(Me and my Gorgeously Righteous friend H. She is a an awesome Hockey player!)

article copyright of EcoYogini at ecoyogini.blogspot.com

33 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post! I am never having children and thankfully I don't have to deal with the rude comments too often.

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    1. you're welcome! I'm glad you don't have to deal with rude comments!

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  2. Amen! My partner and I choose not to be parents. He doesn't get flack, I do. Apparently my "biological clock" is going to explode at some point rendering my brain and its well thought out decisions useless in seconds.

    Not to mention how rude and belittling comments like that are, yet people don't think twice about it. Sigh.

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    1. LOL, really though! Men truly don't get the same question, even though they have anatomical organs that are also designed to reproduce....

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  3. Thank you! I get a lot of flack from people because I do not want to have children. I appreciate the support for this choice in all of our lives! I'm glad your friend is able to handle it so well.

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    1. boo getting flak! I feel like she handles it very well, although if i were her i might start kicking people. just a little bit lol.

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  4. This is quite a sticky subject you've approached here. Granted, I agree that a persons choice is theirs to make an no one else's, I also (in the same sense) have to say that, anatomically, a woman's body was designed to go through pregnancy. It's part of the reproduction cycle. Nevertheless, I'm not knocking her decision, because that is totally up to her. Some people are better without kids. On a personal note though, I can't see how some one wouldn't want at least one child to watch grow from conception into a grown person. I think it is an amazing thing and I'm quite looking forward to it.

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    1. Thank you for your perspective. Honestly, I don't think it's that sticky. Having children is a choice. One day I will have a child. (hopefully). Society doesn't judge harshly people who decide to have children for the flip reasons that they judge those who decide not to.

      I also don't like the discourse that 'women have anatomy'- men do as well- and they are not criticized nearly as much as women- why is that? Defining our entire sense of being around one organ truly isn't healthy (in my opinion). What if that person has uterine cancer? what if they are infertile?

      I decided to write this post because I don't think enough people give women like my friend H. credit for her courage and strength in knowing what is best and standing up to the norm.

      This post wasn't to knock people who do decide to have children, (like I said, I'm going to be one of them) but to acknowledge the Strength of those who don't. :)

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  5. As a woman who is childfree by choice I just want to jump for joy at this post. There are so many people who think I can't possibly be a "real" woman until I have had babies, that I "don't understand" life and (this is probably the most insulting) that I am somehow selfish for not wanting children. Personally I think it's quite selfish to keep peopling an overpopulated world, but what do I know.

    There are many reasons why I have chosen not to have children but a significant one is the fact that there are a lot of people on this earth clogging it up and using its natural resources and frankly the earth doesn't need my somewhat dodgy gene pool.

    Unfortunately whenever we make choices that are outside of what are considered to be social norms we will attract haters. As Chris Guillebeau says when you get the haters that's when you know you've made it! :)

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    1. yay! I'm glad you like it :)
      wow- not understanding life- that is truly insulting!

      So much courage- thank you for sharing and supporting!

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  6. Do you hear of many men choosing not to have babies? It is quite often only women who are vocal about it. I wonder if men are generally split into the really want to camp or the not really bothered camp.

    I've just had the snip. I'm 31 and I've wanted to "get that sorted" since I was a teenager and I've finally been able to get it on the NHS, with much eyebrow raising in the process.

    I guess I'm just wondering if many men are passionate enough to go to that length when they haven't had kids or if they're just waiting to see what life brings them.

    For me it's about 90% environmental, 5% health and 5% childhood experience. The numbers have probably varied over the years as I've grown up but I've made the right choice.

    As a man, I have had all the criticism mentioned above but definitely not to the same extent as women get. My partner and I have also chosen not to get married. These two factors combined definitely have an impact on my "professional life" though. Not really sure why!

    Not really sure what my point is. I think I've just never seen it as courageous. It's just the way it is and how I wish to live my life and screw everyone else. If that makes sense?!

    Anyway, great blog, I read it from time to time whenever the missus shares articles.

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    1. thank you for sharing this Anon- it's very interesting!
      I haven't really heard a lot of men getting flak for this decision, but I do know from my friend H. that medicare in my province won't agree to any sort of permanent medical decision (like tubes tied etc) until a certain age. Although I understand the rationale- it's a huge decision that can be taken care of by other birth control means, it still implies that the women who make that decision aren't 'really' able to make that decision.

      Thanks so much and I'm glad you enjoyed the post!!

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  7. The other problem, of course, that is raised from an environmental viewpoint is reliable contraception is pretty much an environmental disaster - condoms in landfill, oestrogen in the water. The only reliable and environmentally friendly answer is vasectomy (or sterilisation for women but that is a much much more serious operation). Which is why people should be able to make their own decisions about their bodies.

    Also on a side note, just because a person decides not to have children doesn't mean she doesn't want them. My body is indeed primed to have babies and I spent most of my 30s sniffing babies heads and nursing aching ovaries. For real. The broodiness is there but the reasons for not having a child have always outweighed the biology.

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    1. great points!

      it's as if our decisions can't be rationale because we have a uterus. As if...

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  8. This is one of those subjects that still baffles me in terms of social backlash. My partner and I are very much down the middle when it comes to having a child, as in it could be amazing to have one but it could also be amazing to not have one. And I've often thought about the eco impact of having a child with a great deal of concern. If my partner was willing, I would adopt an older child and provide a loving home for a child in need of family. To me that feels like the perfect way to have the best of both worlds (eco sustainability and family). Though I concede that this may come across as an idealistic/mercenary way of creating family.

    Maybe because I could go either way, I am often totally boggled by why anyone else would care what someone else decides is right for them, particularly given that it's not their decision to make! I have heard the "give it a few years" personally and given to others and I think it really is quite an insulting thing to say to someone. I had a friend who tried to have her tubes tied at 22 and the doctors wouldn't even contemplate the seriousness of her request (doctors, as in the many she saw) because of course she would want children one day, she was just too young to know it. But the thing is, most of the women I've known who knew they didn't want to have kids when they were younger, have gone on to still not want to have kids in their mid 30s.

    At the end of the day, what it boils down to for me is this: I don't understand why society still feels the need to define men and women by their reproductive choices.

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  9. Eventually people stopped telling me how sorry I'd be if I didn't have kids. I'm in my early 50's now and no one bugs me anymore. I have some friends that tell me if they had to do it over again they wouldn't have kids.

    There are good things and bad things about having kids, but for me, I'm taking this lifetime off.

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    1. yes! i love 'I'm taking this lifetime off'- that is perfect :)

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  10. I'm in my early 40's and I've known since I was a teenager I wanted nothing to do with having or raising kids. Part of that may have been because I was the oldest of four, my Mom did in-house day care so at any given time there was upwards of 10 extra kids in our house, and I did babysitting as a side job from the time I was 10 through 16 when I got a 'real job'. Kids did not/do not interest me.

    Since I work in a male-dominant career, I've gotten no grief from the guys. Maybe a bit of fun razzing about my fleeing the room when kids are brought up, but truly all in good fun.

    I got more grief from a dance troupe I was with for 8 years. Comments, like:
    "Oh, you'll change your mind, you just wait and see..." Um. No. I won't.
    "You won't be such a neat freak when you have kids." Um. No. I won't. I'm not having kids.
    "You just wait, your biological clock will kick in." Ah, no, I smashed the clock and threw it away.

    And I think the choice to have kids/not have kids is more than biological. My Husband (who supports my/our decision to be kid-less) has *very* different views on raising kids: it is his belief that one parent should stay home to raise the kiddos. I'm very comfortable with using daycare. When asked if he would stay home with the kids, a resounding "No." I'm not willing to give up my career AND I don't have the personality to be a stay-at-home mom. We also enjoy the freedom of not being parents. So we remain happily sans human kids.

    That's not to say I don't enjoy the company of my four nephew and nieces! But they go HOME at the end of the day. ;)

    Now my furry four-legged children are another matter completely. ;)

    Interesting post. Thanks.

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    1. ah- yes that would change things working a male dominated career... i work only with women.

      i wouldn't be able to give up my career to raise children- it would result in a very unstable and emotionally unhappy mother. which isn't what children need.

      i've been told a few times over the course of the past two years that our two cats are MORE work than children (but then, they are kinda broken... lol).

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  11. I think before I had a child and someone said "I don't want to have kids", I would have have said "oh" and then "I guess you don't know for sure". I realize now that it was rude. After having a baby, I understand why people MIGHT make that choice not to have one for whatever reason. I would never give up my daughter for anything, but I can see that how parenthood is not for everyone and people should celebrate the fact that someone knows themselves well enough that they can be comfortable not to have kids! What bigger challenge than to be happy in your own skin, on your own (even if you have a partner)! Way to go! Now....when someone has a child....comes the pressure to have another one...and you say "I don't know if I want another one...." and people respond..."Well you HAVE to HAVE another one!" ermmmm NO? I dont... It's a never ending path of expectations!

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    1. thanks for posting- and it's so interesting that you are thinking this now, after you have had your little one! Also, i totally didn't know that after your first the next question is about the second. bah- so true - a never ending path of expectations...

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  12. Totally agree with post. It's my body, my life, my decision, but the whole planet. The planet doesn't need one extra half-me to help mess it up any more than it is already messed up.

    I have no interest in kids, I don't like them, don't want to spend 20 years bringing one or more up. I also don't want to be married (patriarchal clap trap) but I'm happy to go to weddings. I respect that other people like the idea of marriage, other people like the idea of weddings, they just aint for me thank you.

    In my 20s and early 30s me and my partner were often asked about us and no-kids - they assumed he was just putting a dampner on me "But doesn't your girlfriend want them?. Now that I'm 37 people have stopped mentioning it. And, I now feel quite liberated to say as a response to "Have you got children?" "No, I don't like children." It's extremely liberating to say that but boy does it stop people in their tracks! It's like a taboo! If I can be bothered I'll explain why and the environment is pretty high up there on the reasons why not.

    I do notice a few snide comments though from parents - who see it as a selfish decision. I take it that they are sub-consiously jealous, because no matter how much they profess they love their children and would never want not to have them, a teeny tiny part of them, so small they don't acknowledge it, recognises there's just a little be more freedom and liberty if you don't have them. And, whatever your reason, it's because of a conscious choice (unless of course you can't physically have kids which is a whole different matter), and people making a decision about that I think, fundamentally scares some people. Quite often kids are a bit of an accident. Sure the parents were married/stable together - but, had they really discussed having kids? Did they talk through the implications? Uh-no. It's a default treadmill people get on: relationship, more serious, engaged, married, kids... very hard to stop that. Unless, you actually make a choice.

    Whoops! Apologies for long comment - it's just a bit of a rant of mine I don't often get to vent!

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    1. this is a great comment- thanks so much for sharing.

      I agree, I believe having children is a very serious decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. Which is why I'm so in awe of those who know themselves and their relationships well enough to make the decision not to have children.

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  13. Hi. I'm really new to your blog so I'm not really sure what you believe, but can I add my 2 cents to the conversation and bring religion into the picture? I want to respect your views, but also bring a different perspective. I believe that having children is a sacred privilege given to us by God. My religion teaches that having children is a commandment from God, and is one of the most important parts of God's plan for us. Choice is huge, and no one should ever be forced or guilted into having babies, or judged, looked down upon, or subjected to snide comments for any choice they do make. But might we consider that as women we ARE are born to make babies? and that something divine and inherent within us qualifies us for that role?

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    1. Hi Danab- thank you for sharing your beliefs. I'm Pagan- I believe in the Goddess.

      I have to say that I don't believe that the Goddess imbued women (only) with the divine role to be mothers. It's a role of many that we may choose to make.

      Nope, I don't believe we are born to make babies. I have met WAY too many parents who would not have been deemed qualified for the role of 'mother' and have seen directly the results on how that impacts their children. Having a vagina does not automatically equate being responsible and qualified to have children.

      I respect your belief and am thankful that you shared :)

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  14. Great post. This goes right along with my desire to actually want to adopt over having a biological child. When I tell people that, people ask me all the time why I wouldn't want one of "my own?" Uh, excuse me?!!!

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    1. i know- i think adoption is a lovely option :)

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  15. i'm with your friend — i have always known i didn't want to have children. this is my choice. i've heard all sorts of attempted arguments and ignorant assertions of what this "says" about my character.

    i give not a flying f*ck. i do what i want. this life is mine to color as i wish. :)

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  16. I'm sorry to hear your friend gets snide comments. I'm currently pregnant and experiencing the same thing. Until my niece and nephew were born, I was positive I never wanted to have kids. That changed (obviously) and, surprisingly, my friends who have decided not to have kids have started directing snide comments and judgments at me. It's really a very interesting (and a little hurtful) turn of events, I think.

    All that being said, I don't think it's selfish or courageous to decide not to have kids or even to decide to have kids, for that matter. Both are choices and both are extremely personal choices. Why others feel the need to comment either way is a mystery to me.

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  17. As a parent, I don't get the idea that people who don't have kids are selfish. I had a baby for quite selfish reasons - because I wanted to. I did it despite knowing it's not the best environmental choice. I don't think people who want to have kids should have kids - being the child of unwilling or martyred-feeling parents can't be the best way to grow up. So in my ideal world all parents should be acting selfishly.

    I hope these judgements aren't coming from eco types. I thought "maybe one" was the consensus green stance on babies.

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  18. Lovely post Lisa :)
    Thank you and congratulations to all those who stand by their choice.

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  19. GREAT POST! I'm a little late to the table, but I also posted on this. The post was part of my 365 Lessons and it was titled "Being Childless is a Choice for Many" and I interviewed the author of Two is Enough. You might find it of interest here: http://lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/2010/08/365-lessons-lesson-234-living-childless.html

    I'm also childless by choice and am now in my 40s. I have gotten a little flack from friends, but most people now accept it. I love children, but I don't feel the need to have my own....there are so many children in this world already!!!! I enjoy spending time with ALL children ^_^!

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