My Loud Inner Voice- Confronted

Another evening workshop, another post written from work. As the only Speech Pathologist at my clinic who doesn't have children, I've been offering to present the two hour evening workshops for parents that we are required to offer. The result is having a two hour non-paid time where I can't really leave the office. So blogging it is!

For the past few years, mostly since I truly began my personal home practice, I've secretly been allowing for 'What if' moments regarding... yoga teacher training. As soon as the thought would pop up I'd quickly squelch these daring invasions with: 'don't be silly', 'you're not strong/flexible/good enough', 'it's too expensive'... and finally the loudest voice cries out 'Who do you think you are? Do you truly fancy yourself a Yoga Instructor?? You are not worthy of that title with regards to inner peace OR physical abilities. Get real'. Wow, until this very moment I had not consciously acknowledged the 'you are not cool enough to be a yoga teacher' voice. I guess there is something to this whole writing your thoughts to process information theory.

Grace, with her honest and beautiful posts on this topic, have given me the courage to voice my 'wishes' here in the bloggy-munity also. :) (As Grace wishes for herself, So I wish for her also!)

Last year one of my close friends took a local teacher training program and stayed with Andrew and I during her monthly weekend workshop training courses. I listened (with a smidgeon of envy, ok maybe more like a wallop of envy!) to what she learned each day, the long hours that they practiced/meditated/prayed, how difficult the postures were and how challenging it was to read the Bhagavad Gita with her feminist leanings. She took all these courses despite being broke, having a demanding full time job (School SLP) and not the greatest health. Now she's teaching a couple classes during her spare time and I will admit that I have moments of 'ME ME ME'.

The thing is: this friend is the epitomy of classic Yogi physically. She is insanely flexible and strong. I however, am far from either. Unlike hers, my yoga journey has consisted of slow gradual progress, constant reminders that adjustments and props are helpful or even necessary and injury is always a possibility. This friend confided once that leading a class of inexperienced yogis was difficult, as she had trouble knowing and understanding their needs. She was constantly being surprised at the (what she considered) seemingly 'simple' postures students could not achieve.

For the past year and a half I have been, inadvertantly, leading weekly yoga sessions for friends. It started out as an innocent offer to show some colleagues basic yoga poses in order to build their confidence to the point that they would attend a 'real' class with me. We'd gather in the Child Development Centres' gym after work, sweep the floors and practice the sequence I had prepared. It was light, casual and fun and I quickly learned to talk through my practice (inhale up, exhale fold forward). I was nervous that I wouldn't find the words, but was surprised to find that I could simply voice my mental notes of my practice (keep your knee pointing towards your baby toe (warriors), curl your toes under and walk your knee forward (pigeon exit) 'scissor' your thighs together to keep balance (forward lunge)...).

Last Fall a few friends in Halifax mentioned that they'd love to learn yoga, but were too intimidated to attend a formal class. Another weekly group started with this one actually making it to different classes. I love practicing with friends in such a casual manner, but I'm constantly reminding them to listen to their bodies as I can't adjust. To attend a formal class with a 'real' instructor who can help them attain each posture safely and who can truly help them grow in their practice. For myself, having an instructor physically adjust my posture (with a light touch here or there) has always been quintessential to my understanding of how my body should be. I must be a kinesthetic learner!

Last weekend we had another wonderful Yoga in the Park experience, this time with an actual instructor leading! Although I have read about Anusara Yoga, I hadn't actually attended a class. It was beautiful, and perfect. So graceful and accepting. After class Andrew brought up (to my embarassment) that I had been thinking about becoming trained. My first response was (and is) that of course I am not worthy a yogi to assume that I should be trained. She was of course very sweet and kind. And now, despite the loud shouting Ms Too Cool for Yoga voice, I have been thinking about it again.

Despite all these ramblings I most definitely will be investigating more of her classes at the 108 Yoga Studio here in Halifax. Anusara here I come!

Blessings!


Article authored by EcoYogini at ecoyogini.blogspot.com