I walked through the door today, my legs and arms shaking, my heart beating my face flushed... and I wondered why this keeps happening. I felt fine leaving work, as always, but arriving home after a 20 minute walk I felt as if I could collapse (actually I did, right on the bed).
During the day today I had a jar of blueberries and strawberries, a sandwich and half a chocolate scone. Since when has that not been enough?
For the past several weeks I arrive home as above, a shaking, blubbering mess. It usually means I need to eat right away, including days when I practice yoga in the evening. There's no two hour wait- I wouldn't make it through the yoga practice.
I'm going to be honest here and admit that feeling full has never made me happy. A combination of digestive issues (IBS) and a pervasive social culture that values thinness has always left me feeling uncomfortable when full. I know I can't be the only woman out there who has a strange feeling of satisfaction when her belly is flat and empty. Even typing this makes me shudder: I am NOT that woman!- but I think it's important to talk openly about something our culture forces on us as young as prepubescence.
It's there in yoga as well- the feeling of 'lightness', of floating. 'Diets' that are masked as 'cleansing' meant to purge our system (of what? nutrients? I'm sorry, my intestines do a pretty good job cleansing themselves naturally as they were meant to). It wouldn't take long to get caught up in micromanaging our eating around what Dosha, yoga practice, or recent health fad is recommended. The act of eating takes on another layer of spiritual morality on top of the cultural and social pressures, the socio-economic pressures and the environmental pressures making up one hell of an onion called Eating.
Bringing a lunch to work is tricky for me, since I walk 20 minutes to and from the ferry. It means carrying stainless steel and glass jars filled with food over my right shoulder. Since I'm not getting a backpack (budgeting reasons and just cuz I'm sorry, but I think they're ugly), I hate the idea of loading more than my lunch tin, my coffee stainless steel Klean Kanteen thermos and a jar of berries.
These past few weeks taught me that I may need to. A larger lunch paired with an afternoon snack will help me arrive home in ossicular form as opposed to amoeba. I can spend more time with Andrew cooking a healthy, sustainable supper instead of something quick and easy just so I can stop shaking.
My happy self having a 'moment' where I actually picked something up with chopsticks at 'Le Lotus Bleu' in Montréal. I ate copiously during our visit and drank lots of wine and I felt gorgeous the whole, full, time.
My brain will be happier with more nutrients during the day. I will feel better because in the end I will be eating more, which will make me a REBEL against the constant 'thin' culture we live in. My body and my yoga practice will thank me. The planet will thank me.
My Spirit will thank me.
article and photograph copyright of EcoYogini at ecoyogini.blogspot.com